I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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