Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
