he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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