God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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