Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
