you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
