i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
