I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
COCAINE IS GR8
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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