Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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