Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
