a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
