Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
