Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
