There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
