I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize