if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize