This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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