Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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