what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
