i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
