I heard we made out
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
