Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
