how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
