Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I AM VODKA MAN
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
