my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
