i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize