i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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