I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I will be naked everywhere
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
