You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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