So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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