a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
