the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
