I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize