Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
