sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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