He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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