What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
