last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
