yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i love accidental penises.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
