She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
He better not be in your backpack
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
