when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
