I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
