1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
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