I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
