Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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