Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Randomize
