Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
