its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
