The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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