My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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