you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
