I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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