I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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