I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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