considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
time to smoke my breakfast
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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