dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
