Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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