Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
