The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
