just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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