We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
